15. Jabberjaw

“Hey, I have a story,” I said with a smirk.

We were at Souper Salad having dinner and the sudden conversational gap seemed to necessitate story time.

“Oh, please enlighten me,” Thad said biting into a forkful of cold pasta.

“You’ll like this one,” I said, “As you feature highly in it.”

He seemed to light up, “Oh, then do tell.”

“Okay, about five years ago Cindy invited me to this party of hers…”

“Cindy-the-Trannie?”

“No, Cindy-the-Dental Hygienist, from Ardmore.”

“Oh, okay,” he said. “I always liked her.”  

“Yeah, so anyway, Cindy invited me to this party of hers, and told me she was inviting this guy that she really wanted me to meet…”

“Really?” Thad said staunchly. 

“Yes, and calm down. Nothing happened. And this was, like, two years before we even got back together…”

“Well then. Maybe I should tell you what I was out doing before we got back together, huh?” He did not like hearing stories of my dating life beyond him, and I couldn’t blame him, as I couldn’t listen to his stories without being disquieted for weeks.

“No! No, stop it, please,” I said with hands up. “This is nothing really. Just listen, okay?”

We stared at each other until he frowned and then nodded his head in acceptance. I smiled but knew to tread lightly around this story. 

 “So, I went to this party,” I continued, “and it was some outdoor thing in her terrible little backyard, and I met the guy there, and it’s the same guy that works at Super Target now that talks to me every once in a while.”

“The big guy?” Thad snorted. “He’s a huge dork.”

“Yes, I know, and I never have been able to remember his name, but that’s him… ”

“And you dated him?” Thad laughed aggressively.

“No, that’s the point to this whole story, if you will just listen.”

The waitress approached, “More drinks?”

“Yes please. Thank you,” I smiled to her as she took our half full glasses away. 

Once she was gone I continued, “So I met the guy there at this party, and he’s big, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but he’s kinda oddly shaped, like much smaller on the bottom than on the top. And he has this weird silly voice and these little hands he holds up to his chest like a thalidomide baby. Anyway, I always thought he looked like Jabberjaw…”

“Who?”

“Jabberjaw? The shark that talked like Curley from the Three Stooges from the cartoon show from when we were kids?” I looked at Thad in disbelief that he wasn’t following along.

He just rolled his eyes and took another bite of pasta.    

“So Jabberjaw and I met and we were talking,” I continued, “and it was one of those times where I was really nervous, I mean really nervous since I was meeting someone for the first time…”

“A gentleman caller?” he hissed.

“Yes, a gentleman caller.” I just ignored his sass. “And I knew I was talking about myself a lot, I mean too much, and it was much worse than normal, but I just couldn’t stop, you know?”

“Oh, Lord, do I know.”

“But, no,” I laughed. “You have no idea. This was so bad; I mean I couldn’t stop myself. And it was all just because I was nervous. And I was like, ‘No, no, here’s another reason I’m just great!’ and he would try to interject and I would like, ‘Oh, no, you’re not allowed to talk…’”

“And, ‘there will be a quiz over this later…’” Thad laughed.

“Yes. It was just horrible. And just as I was about out of breath he said ‘I have to go to the bathroom,’ and then went inside.”

“And left!” Thad said.

“Yes! And left!” I repeated.

“I knew it!” Thad slapped the table with a chuckle.

“And I waited and waited out back, thinking he was going to come back, and maybe he was having a spastic colon or something awful, but finally I realized he wasn’t coming back so I just went inside and asked Cindy if she had seen him and she said, ‘Oh, he just left…’ and I-and this is literally so true-I turned to look out the window and saw him running to his car…”

“Running? Like he couldn’t get away from you fast enough?” Thad laughed, slapping the table again but louder. “Did he just run straight into traffic to get away from you?”

“Yes, ha, ha.” I said, trying not to laugh along at my own misfortune. 

Thad laughed louder, “Or doused himself in gasoline and then ran toward someone holding a lit cigarette?” 

“Yes, my personal tragedy is funny, isn’t it?” I said, frowning.

“Oh, God, I know how he must have been feeling, poor guy” Thad wiped his eyes with his napkin.

“Anyway, so Jabberjaw left…”

“And then drove away so fast he just hit a tree but then just jump out of the car and ran for his life, arms up, like Zombies were chasing him…” Thad laughed and laughed and laughed some more, so hard I thought he would have a seizure, but sadly he did not. 

I sat and drummed my fingers on the table until he laughed himself out. The waitress returned our drinks and I smiled a tight smile at her.

“Woo! Oh! Whoo!” Thad wheezed, finally catching his breath. “Sorry. Go on.” he chuckled.    

“So, I saw Jabberjaw drive off without saying goodbye and I was just mortified and Cindy was like, ‘Didn’t he say goodbye?’ and I was, ‘No, he just left…’ and she was ‘Oh, no!’ And then I just felt bad all night, and it got around the party, and everyone was like, ‘Oh, are you okay?’ and ‘I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding’   and I was just flat mortified.”

I took a breath and noticed Thad was desperately trying not to laugh at his previous jokes, but was doing a poor job, as snickers and whinnies kept escaping. I decided just to soldier on.

“So I never would talk to him, I mean for the next few years I would see him in Super Target and we would just ignore each other, which was fine as I was still mad. That is up until lately when I have seen him when I have been there with you. And just recently he’s started to say ‘hi’ again, like you’ve seen him do and stuff when we are in there shopping together…”

“Yeah…”

“So anyway, I saw Jabberjaw earlier this week when I was in Super Target by myself, and he came up and said hello like he normally does, but then he asked me, ‘Hey, it that guy you’re in here with a lot, is he just your friend?’ and oh my God, I had so waited for this, so I turned to him and said, ‘No, that’s my boyfriend. We have dated on and off for over twenty years now, and we’re back together.’ And poor Jabberjaw looked so taken aback! I mean he looked just so hurt because I could tell he wanted to ask me out or something, but he had been so awful to me, and just to make it worse I said, ‘Yeah, he’s really great.’”

Thad had now quit giggling and was listening intently.

“And Jabberjaw  got all flustered and started slapping his little flipper-like hands together and said, ‘Oh, well. Oh, I didn’t know,’ and ‘Oh, so that’s how it is. Well, I just won’t talk to you anymore then.’ I know! And he just waddled off, and it was just great! Like he was banished and I won and it made me feel fabulous because he was awful to me and deserved it! And that’s my story!”

“That’s a good story,” Thad said with a big warm smile.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” I smiled triumphantly, head raised, beaming. 

“Do you want to go have a Christmas dinner at Ma’am’s with me next Sunday?” he asked in a nonchalant voice, eyes averted.  

“Yeah, right.” I said joshingly. In all of our years together, he had never invited me to one of his family events, mainly because he had a completely Don’t Ask Don’t Tell family: they knew, but he didn’t talk about it with them. I had always felt left out, apart from his familial world, but it was who he was and I had made myself accept it.

“No, I’m serious,” Thad continued, looking down to his plate. “My parents won’t be there, but Ma’am has invited me up and said I could bring a friend.”

“Really?” I was thunder stuck. I had always heard stories about his eccentric grandmother in her giant mansion up in Oklahoma City and I had always wanted to meet her, but I couldn’t believe it. This was a huge step for us.

“Yeah.” He looked up into my eyes and smiled. “I’d like for you to come.”

 “I would love to!” I said probably faster than I should have, as he looked a bit afraid as I spit it out, leaning forward.  

“Good.” He smiled. He took another bite of salad and snickered, “Someone almost committed suicide rather than have to listen to you talk…priceless.”

But I was off in my own thoughts.