6. Crumblies

          “Go get some food, I am so hungry!” Thad brayed, slumped against a wall, holding his stomach like a cartoon starving person.

“I am! Just give me a minute,” I snapped from the bedroom, tying my shoes. I had promised him I would go pick us up dinner after I worked in the yard, but that lasted longer than I thought, and then I had to clean up, and thus he had been whining for the better part of thirty minutes now.

“I’m so hungry!” He fell into the dining room table and then up to slump on the buffet. “You have to hurry!”

“Shut up! I am going as fast as I can!” I screamed, grabbing my wallet and cell phone. 

“No you’re not…” he whined. It was once of his specialties, the long distinct whine of a petite prince that made me want to bludgeon him. “I’m, so, so, so, hungry….”

“You know there is food in the kitchen. You could make yourself something...”

He came into the bedroom, “But I want fast food and you said you would go get some, like an hour ago…”

I grabbed my hat and turned to face him, he with his lip out in what he assumed was a cute poise, but what I saw as an act of war.

Making myself take three deep breaths, I backed away from him so as not to pull a Naomi and throw my phone at his stupid head. Through clenched teeth I said, “What do you want?” 

“Long John Silver’s!” Thad sang as he danced about, pulling on my arm like a special needs child.  

“Fine. Long John Silver’s. Fish and More?”

“Yup! Yeah!” And all 39 years of him danced out of the room, singing, “Long John! Long John! Long John Silver’s….”

I grabbed my keys and left the house in a huff. Food would make things better, as I was starving too.

As I put the truck in reverse he came running out, waving his arms like he was on fire.

“What?” I said through the rolled up window.

“Get extra crumblies.”

Rashly I rolled down the window. “What?”

“Ask for extra crumblies.”

“Crumblies?” I asked. “And what are those?”

“Crumblies. You know the little crumbly pieces. They’ll know, don’t worry.” He smiled, waved, and danced back into the house singing “Long John! Long John! Long John Silver’s….”

As I drove off, I wondered if 41 and single would be as bad as I thought.

At Long John Silver’s I barked my orders into the machine thing. “A Fish and More. A Chicken and More, a Diet Coke and a Coke.”

The intercom made a harsh static grind and the person on the other side said, “Is that all sir?”

And I hesitated. But I knew he would pitch such a God awful fit if I didn’t get them that I forced myself to say, “And extra crumblies.”

There was a pause, the harsh intercom static sound again, and then the voice said, “What?”

“Crumblies.” I said louder, embarrassed, looking around. There was a line of cars behind me, holding hungry fat people and their fat hungry children. “Extra crumblies, please.” 

The next pause was longer, then the awful static intercom buzz, and then the voice again, “Sir, do you mean crumbs? Do you want extra crumbs?”

If he had been in the car with me, I am not sure what I would have done to him, as the embarrassment of having to order ‘crumbs’ from a restaurant flowed through me like fire. For a split second I thought about bouncing the curb and just bolting, but that would mess up the truck’s suspension or torque or something, so, humiliated, I forced myself to answer her: “Yes. Crumbs. I would like extra crumbs.”

 The horrible static buzz sounded once more and the voice said, “Okay. That will be one Fish and More, one Chicken and More, one Coke, one Diet Coke...and extra crumbs. Is that all, Sir?”

 “Yes, thank you.” I said, my face beating red.

 As I pulled around I could see the disembodied voice belonged to a large middle aged woman with humor in her eyes. So now the fast food fry lady was laughing at me. I gritted my teeth and looked away, hoping Thad would choke on every last God-damn crumb he made me purchase.

 I had not calmed by the time I got home, instead now I had decided he had sent me on a fool’s errand just to embarrass me. He had done it on purpose, told me the wrong name, just to humiliate me for screaming at him earlier because he had not done the dishes. A thousand hurts came to my mind, some real, some imagined, but all present. And I was gonna get him back for all of them.  

 “Hey!” He said, swinging out of the kitchen as I walked in. “It smells great!”

 “You know they’re not called crumblies,” I said in a Dirty Harry tone fit for the dead. “They’re called crumbs.”

 “Oh, really.” He came over and took the bags from me and began arranging food on plates, no idea what horrors I was capable of at that moment. “Was there a line?”

 After a moment of silence I said, “You sent me after crumblies, but then the fat lady on the intercom said they were called crumbs, and so I had to order you crumbs. I had to say 'yes, I want crumbs.'”

 “Yeah?” he said, handing me a plate of food. “They really are the best part.”

 “You did that on purpose!" I spat. "You told me the wrong thing to embarrass me…”
          For the first time since I had come in the house he looked me square in the eyes, and I could tell it was only at this moment that he realized that I was upset.

 And he burst out laughing. “Oh, I did not, you big girl! So you had to order crumbs. Big deal!” He took a handful of the crumbs off of his plate and shoved them in my mouth.

 I almost bit off his fingers, remembering the cat treat incident, but stopped myself, as I did not wanted to take this fight as far as digit mutilation at this point. 

 “See! They’re delicious!” he said. “Now calm down and get over it. I thought they were called crumblies. That’s what my mom always called them.”

 And I bit down, tasting that delicious, sweet greasy battery goodness that only Long John Silver’s could do right. And for that, and only that, I decided not kill him with my hands. And I realized maybe, just maybe, I was over reacting just a smidgen. But probably not. So I took a deep breath and made myself calm.

Thad picked up his own plate, walked by me to head to the Den, and said, “And hurry up. RuPaul’s Drag Races is on, you silly baby.”

 So I followed him, intent upon eating all of the crumblies just to make my point.