15. Jabberjaw

“Hey, I have a story,” I said with a smirk.

We were at Souper Salad having dinner and the sudden conversational gap seemed to necessitate story time.

“Oh, please enlighten me,” Thad said biting into a forkful of cold pasta.

“You’ll like this one,” I said, “As you feature highly in it.”

He seemed to light up, “Oh, then do tell.”

“Okay, about five years ago Cindy invited me to this party of hers…”

“Cindy-the-Trannie?”

“No, Cindy-the-Dental Hygienist, from Ardmore.”

“Oh, okay,” he said. “I always liked her.”  

“Yeah, so anyway, Cindy invited me to this party of hers, and told me she was inviting this guy that she really wanted me to meet…”

“Really?” Thad said staunchly. 

“Yes, and calm down. Nothing happened. And this was, like, two years before we even got back together…”

“Well then. Maybe I should tell you what I was out doing before we got back together, huh?” He did not like hearing stories of my dating life beyond him, and I couldn’t blame him, as I couldn’t listen to his stories without being disquieted for weeks.

“No! No, stop it, please,” I said with hands up. “This is nothing really. Just listen, okay?”

We stared at each other until he frowned and then nodded his head in acceptance. I smiled but knew to tread lightly around this story. 

 “So, I went to this party,” I continued, “and it was some outdoor thing in her terrible little backyard, and I met the guy there, and it’s the same guy that works at Super Target now that talks to me every once in a while.”

“The big guy?” Thad snorted. “He’s a huge dork.”

“Yes, I know, and I never have been able to remember his name, but that’s him… ”

“And you dated him?” Thad laughed aggressively.

“No, that’s the point to this whole story, if you will just listen.”

The waitress approached, “More drinks?”

“Yes please. Thank you,” I smiled to her as she took our half full glasses away. 

Once she was gone I continued, “So I met the guy there at this party, and he’s big, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but he’s kinda oddly shaped, like much smaller on the bottom than on the top. And he has this weird silly voice and these little hands he holds up to his chest like a thalidomide baby. Anyway, I always thought he looked like Jabberjaw…”

“Who?”

“Jabberjaw? The shark that talked like Curley from the Three Stooges from the cartoon show from when we were kids?” I looked at Thad in disbelief that he wasn’t following along.

He just rolled his eyes and took another bite of pasta.    

“So Jabberjaw and I met and we were talking,” I continued, “and it was one of those times where I was really nervous, I mean really nervous since I was meeting someone for the first time…”

“A gentleman caller?” he hissed.

“Yes, a gentleman caller.” I just ignored his sass. “And I knew I was talking about myself a lot, I mean too much, and it was much worse than normal, but I just couldn’t stop, you know?”

“Oh, Lord, do I know.”

“But, no,” I laughed. “You have no idea. This was so bad; I mean I couldn’t stop myself. And it was all just because I was nervous. And I was like, ‘No, no, here’s another reason I’m just great!’ and he would try to interject and I would like, ‘Oh, no, you’re not allowed to talk…’”

“And, ‘there will be a quiz over this later…’” Thad laughed.

“Yes. It was just horrible. And just as I was about out of breath he said ‘I have to go to the bathroom,’ and then went inside.”

“And left!” Thad said.

“Yes! And left!” I repeated.

“I knew it!” Thad slapped the table with a chuckle.

“And I waited and waited out back, thinking he was going to come back, and maybe he was having a spastic colon or something awful, but finally I realized he wasn’t coming back so I just went inside and asked Cindy if she had seen him and she said, ‘Oh, he just left…’ and I-and this is literally so true-I turned to look out the window and saw him running to his car…”

“Running? Like he couldn’t get away from you fast enough?” Thad laughed, slapping the table again but louder. “Did he just run straight into traffic to get away from you?”

“Yes, ha, ha.” I said, trying not to laugh along at my own misfortune. 

Thad laughed louder, “Or doused himself in gasoline and then ran toward someone holding a lit cigarette?” 

“Yes, my personal tragedy is funny, isn’t it?” I said, frowning.

“Oh, God, I know how he must have been feeling, poor guy” Thad wiped his eyes with his napkin.

“Anyway, so Jabberjaw left…”

“And then drove away so fast he just hit a tree but then just jump out of the car and ran for his life, arms up, like Zombies were chasing him…” Thad laughed and laughed and laughed some more, so hard I thought he would have a seizure, but sadly he did not. 

I sat and drummed my fingers on the table until he laughed himself out. The waitress returned our drinks and I smiled a tight smile at her.

“Woo! Oh! Whoo!” Thad wheezed, finally catching his breath. “Sorry. Go on.” he chuckled.    

“So, I saw Jabberjaw drive off without saying goodbye and I was just mortified and Cindy was like, ‘Didn’t he say goodbye?’ and I was, ‘No, he just left…’ and she was ‘Oh, no!’ And then I just felt bad all night, and it got around the party, and everyone was like, ‘Oh, are you okay?’ and ‘I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding’   and I was just flat mortified.”

I took a breath and noticed Thad was desperately trying not to laugh at his previous jokes, but was doing a poor job, as snickers and whinnies kept escaping. I decided just to soldier on.

“So I never would talk to him, I mean for the next few years I would see him in Super Target and we would just ignore each other, which was fine as I was still mad. That is up until lately when I have seen him when I have been there with you. And just recently he’s started to say ‘hi’ again, like you’ve seen him do and stuff when we are in there shopping together…”

“Yeah…”

“So anyway, I saw Jabberjaw earlier this week when I was in Super Target by myself, and he came up and said hello like he normally does, but then he asked me, ‘Hey, it that guy you’re in here with a lot, is he just your friend?’ and oh my God, I had so waited for this, so I turned to him and said, ‘No, that’s my boyfriend. We have dated on and off for over twenty years now, and we’re back together.’ And poor Jabberjaw looked so taken aback! I mean he looked just so hurt because I could tell he wanted to ask me out or something, but he had been so awful to me, and just to make it worse I said, ‘Yeah, he’s really great.’”

Thad had now quit giggling and was listening intently.

“And Jabberjaw  got all flustered and started slapping his little flipper-like hands together and said, ‘Oh, well. Oh, I didn’t know,’ and ‘Oh, so that’s how it is. Well, I just won’t talk to you anymore then.’ I know! And he just waddled off, and it was just great! Like he was banished and I won and it made me feel fabulous because he was awful to me and deserved it! And that’s my story!”

“That’s a good story,” Thad said with a big warm smile.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” I smiled triumphantly, head raised, beaming. 

“Do you want to go have a Christmas dinner at Ma’am’s with me next Sunday?” he asked in a nonchalant voice, eyes averted.  

“Yeah, right.” I said joshingly. In all of our years together, he had never invited me to one of his family events, mainly because he had a completely Don’t Ask Don’t Tell family: they knew, but he didn’t talk about it with them. I had always felt left out, apart from his familial world, but it was who he was and I had made myself accept it.

“No, I’m serious,” Thad continued, looking down to his plate. “My parents won’t be there, but Ma’am has invited me up and said I could bring a friend.”

“Really?” I was thunder stuck. I had always heard stories about his eccentric grandmother in her giant mansion up in Oklahoma City and I had always wanted to meet her, but I couldn’t believe it. This was a huge step for us.

“Yeah.” He looked up into my eyes and smiled. “I’d like for you to come.”

 “I would love to!” I said probably faster than I should have, as he looked a bit afraid as I spit it out, leaning forward.  

“Good.” He smiled. He took another bite of salad and snickered, “Someone almost committed suicide rather than have to listen to you talk…priceless.”

But I was off in my own thoughts.    

16. To Grandmother's House We Go

“We’ll be there in about fifteen minutes.” Thad said, flipping the car headlights on as he drove us in his car.

“Thanks.” I grunted.

Those were the first words we had said to each other in ten minutes, he driving us up to Ma’am’s for a Christmas dinner. It was the Sunday before Christmas, and we had fought something awful last night. The tension was completely palatable. It had been too late to cancel on Ma’am, so we just sucked it up and kept the plans. But so far the day, and now the drive, had been anything but holly jolly.

I looked out the cold window at the passing neon billboards on the side of the interstate; they shone garishly as night began to rise.

The fight had been my fault; and I hate it when they are my fault. That means I have to apologize and mean it, which I had done, but the gash between us had yet to be repaired. He has this friend, Bettina, a brassy black hairdresser of some local repute he's known since high school that he just adores. She used to be one of his big drinking buddies, that is at least until I helped sobered him up last year, and for this I don't think she's forgiven me. No love lost there. Anyway, last night Thad broke our evening plans to go stay with her and have a “Girls’ Night” at her apartment. He did this once or twice every few months. We did had plans to go to an art show, so even though he cleared it with me, and I said “okay,” I still felt left high and dry, home alone on a Saturday night with no plans.

So by mid-evening last night, alone and mad, I had become paranoid that he was out boozing it up like they used to. Bettina was not the best of influences, she still being single and a big partier. Our previous two years back together had been so checkered with our booze and his lies and the fights and my following mistrust and paranoia, that even though we had worked past all of that and were now on good footing, it was very easy for me to slip back into that dark paranoid place. And a creative mind is a lovely thing to have until it starts creating phantasmagorical night terrors, as mine often did when left alone on a Saturday evening, pondering weak and weary.     

So about 10 PM last night I decided to call him up on his cell phone, just to say ‘hi,’ and assuage my fears. But he didn’t answer. So then I called again, and he again didn’t answer. So I called two or three more times, each time getting angrier and angrier, and more and more paranoid that there was liquor and booze and cheating and drinking and driving and then the police would be involved and then the coroner…

And this is where it got kinda ugly.

Around midnight, against my better judgment, I started to get dressed. And the voice in my head said, ‘Why are you getting dressed? Stop getting dressed. You’re acting crazy. You should just trust him.” And then I was in the car and driving over to her apartment, just to see if his car was there so I knew he was safe, and the voice said, “This will not turn out well. You should stop and turn around and go home.” And then I was at her apartment door, and was knocking. But there was no answer, even though Thad’s car was outside, and the voice said “Stop it! Go home. What you are doing is wrong!” And then I started, hand to God, banging on her door, and the voice said, “This is crazy! This is nuts. You should not be doing this. You should trust him.” But I ignored the voice and banged and screamed, “Thad! I know you’re in there! Open this door!” 

Yup.

And Thad threw open the door, a towel wrapped around his shoulders, and screeched, “What the Hell is wrong with you Michael!”

“Why haven’t you answered my calls?” I kinda screamed back, as Bettina ran in the room behind him, also with a towel around her shoulders.
“We’re dying our hair! I am covered in dye!” He screamed, pointing at his head. “I was planning on calling you after I rinsed it out.”

And then I saw he did in fact have dye in his hair, as did Bettina. And I scanned the room to note a discarded pizza box and some Julia Roberts tripe playing on the TV, and I realized there was no booze or buckets of drugs or licentious dancing men or the police or Quincy the Coroner; that they were indeed just having a girl’s night, as he had said.

Oops. 

“Oh,” I said, embarrassed. “Well, you should have answered your phone.”

“Dye! In my hair!” he barked, again pointing to his head.

“Yeah, well.” I shrugged trying to be cool, and then looked past him to wave, “Hey Bettina…” 

She waved angrily, a tight frown on her face. 

“What do you want, Michael?” Thad asked, a small line of brown dye running down the side of his red pulsating face.

“Um, just to see how you were. I mean, you didn’t answer and I just thought…” and I trailed off, the little voice now just singing, “Loser! Loser! Loser!”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Like I said, I was going to call you back after I rinsed this out. So what did you want?” Thad was so mad, unlike I seldom saw him, his eyes filled with hate and embarrassment. 

And I had nothing. Nothing. I just wanted to check on him, to make sure he was okay, to calm my paranoia. So I just shrugged and said, “I just wanted to say ‘hi.’” I grinned weakly, trying to be cute, which I knew would not work. 

“I will call you tomorrow morning.” Thad said, slamming the door in my face.

“Okay, bye.” I stood there looking at the door like an idiot.

As I drove away the little voice said, “Well, that went poorly, now didn’t it?” And I had to agree.      

And that was last night. I had just driven home and gone to bed, and when I awoke after a terrible night’s sleep, in the clean light of day, of course I realized that I had totally overreacted last night and felt even more foolish and more ashamed than I had previously. And when he did call, I did apologize and he summarily told me, “You are never allowed to do that to me again. Bettina was mortified, you coming over and banging on her door at midnight like that, so all her neighbors could hear. And then she just laughed and laughed at me, like we’re some kind of crazy couple.” And then I had to apologize again, just secretly hating her all the more. I asked him if we were still going to Ma’am’s and he said, “Yes. It’s too late to cancel.”

I had not seen him until he came home about two hours before we were to leave. My day had been spent alone in my shame and anger, the voice mocking me, urging me to just call Bettina up and let her have it. I did not. When he arrived home, I was thrilled. I had made him a snack and I had cleaned the house and done the laundry, but he was distant, silent. It was clear he was the ‘winner’ today, and I was going to have to play the ‘loser,’ a role I did not relish. So I left him alone, gave him his space, and tried not to rattle at him as he dressed, as I guessed he might be nervous about the evening.

I knew what I had done was wrong, but he should have called me back last night and then none of that ugliness would have happened. I had apologized. I did not deserve this level of treatment.    

As we continued the dark drive I tried to work myself down. This was the first time I was really meeting anyone in his family and I had to go mess it up by throwing a huge jealous fit the night before. Getting to meet some of his family was a giant step for us; a positive move forward on the ‘adult’ scale. But he was being unusually quiet, even for being mad. I hated being punished, especially when I deserved it, I supposed.

 

“We’ll be there in just a minute.” Thad said as we turned off of the Interstate and headed down into Oklahoma City’s ritzy Mesta Park addition. The area contained some of the most beautiful and historical homes in the City, with residences the size of strip malls. He had driven me by Ma’am’s a number of times before and I had marveled at it, but this would be my first time to be allowed inside.       

All I knew about Thad’s family was that they were all from Oklahoma, both sides of his family all the way back to the Land Run. Ma’am was his matriarchal grandmother, and the only grandparent he had left. She had been married a number of times, each time after she buried the previous, with each husband wealthier than the last. Thad’s mother was an only child from the first marriage, and Thad, if not obvious, was the only child of an only child. This meant that his childhood had been spent with every ray of attention from the parents and grandparents shining directly on him. And he still showed it. Ma’am had never worked, but her small fortune allowed her a socialite’s fabulous lifestyle. She had always loved Thad, and Thad in turn had always loved her. I was thrilled by the prospect of meeting her. 

He wheeled the car down a broad lane of heavily treed estates. I knew we were close. Streetlamp decorated with wreaths and Christmas lights upon the houses shone out against the dark in a rainbow of twinkling.

Slowing the car, he turned into the drive of the great grand place. Past a low jagged stone wall and a ragged copse of leafless trees Ma’am’s house emerged. In the glare of the lamp light, you could vaguely discern a gothic style mansion that looked very old by Oklahoma standards even though it was probably only from the 1950’s.

“And here is Mans d’Ma’am,” Thad said, stopping the car at the end of the long drive. “It’s as creepily impressive inside as well.”

“Gosh, it’s really big,” I said, trying to take it all in. It was a six, maybe seven bedroom place, but looked three or four times the size of our house. Up close you could tell it was not in good shape, overgrown, with spots of missing shingles and hanging shutters. It looked abandoned accept for an old red truck parked in front of the garage. All-in-all the house looked sad.

“That’s Esteban’s truck. “Thad said. “He helps Ma’am out around the house and cooks for her when she needs it. And my mother thinks Ma’am is sleeping with him, but for God sake don’t mention it as she’s terribly racist and it would embarrass her.”

“What?” I asked and he shot me a ‘drop it’ look and I just mumbled. “Okay.”

“And if she says anything crazy at all, just go with it, okay?” Thad said, “She hasn’t been the same since her stroke two years ago.” He looked at me, and I realized it was the first time we had made eye contact in hours. 

I smiled, “No problem.”

And if she asks, “We are just friends, okay? I told her we live together to save money.” He said this in a non-questioning way, and I realized that maybe some of his quiet mood was based on his nerves about this visit and not just anger about my baseless fit.                          

 “Don’t worry about it,” I smiled again.                                                                                             

“Good,” he said, oddly looking over one shoulder then the next. “Here we go.”  

17. The Lady and the Tiger

             We parked and walked up to the house, Thad brushing the wrinkles out of his pants. Wildly overgrown ornamental bushes and chipped stone lions framed the enormous faded front door. A bulb dangling from a stone dragon lamp lit the entrance from above. The brass knocker was a tarnished elephant head.

“Now, take a breath, and don’t worry, she’s drunk.” Thad whispered.

“What?” I said, caught unaware, but as he frowned, I let it go, but he had not said word one about her being a drinker.    

Thad rapped on the door, and then a second time, louder. 

After a few seconds, the door opened to reveal a small aged Mexican man, “Si?”

“Esteban, it’s me,” Thad barked.  

The man squinted and then frowned, “Oh, si. Hola. Come in.” 

“This is my friend Michael,” Thad said as we walked in.

“Hola,” Esteban smiled. He was a squat man of about fifty in jeans and a red flannel shirt, a yellow bandanna around his neck.

“Hello, nice to meet you,” I put my hand out, but as Esteban did not return it, I dropped my hand quickly.

“Always friendly,” Thad said not too discretely as he took off his coat and handed it to Esteban. I followed suit.

My breath caught as I turned to take in the room. We were in a dark two story entry hall, with a winding cordovan mahogany staircase rising before us up to a wide second floor balcony. Table lamps lit the room poorly from two corners. Three arched doorways led away from the room in all directions, with small sets of stairs descending into the adjoining rooms. Everything seemed oddly interconnected like an M.C. Escher drawing or the Winchester Mansion.

An Eskimo totem pole rose against one wall surrounded by tremendous ferns and life size brass figures of monkeys, while a twenty foot high Technicolor painting dominated the opposite wall. It depicted a tiger stalking through a lush jungle. A small white flocked Christmas tree lit with pink twinkle lights stood in another corner, tiny compared to the rest of the room. My overall impression was that the room was cluttered and in need of a severe dusting. And it was clear to me now where Thad got his ‘more is more’ decorating aesthetic.

“Ma’am’s still in her big game hunter mode.” Thad said waving his hand around. “A decade ago it was Swan Lake and everything was white and billowy.”

“Kumquat!” an aged voice called from above.    

I looked up to see a delicate figure in yellow moving across the second floor balcony to begin to descend down from the top of the great stairs. The woman moved with a dancer’s precision, one long step at a time. One of her hands held a large crystal highball glass while she waved delicately with the other, like she was Miss America. It had to be Ma’am.

From this distance she appeared to be about forty, and was short and thin with an impressive mane of very tall dyed blonde hair. Her saffron dress made her glow as if the sun were emanating directly from her. Behind us I saw Esteban slowly begin to turn a knob to light the previously unseen chandelier hanging directly above. It was a huge multi-tiered crystal monstrosity, fit with 10 to 20 big bulbs that slowly began to bath the room in brilliant light.

As the room brightened, Ma’am appeared to glisten, staring triumphantly into the chandelier as if it she had just returned from a long mythical quest. 

“I never thought you would make it, my precious!” She called, still waving, now halfway down the stairs.

I waved back only because I felt like decorum demanded it.

As Ma’am neared she looked in her fifties, but a good fifty.

“Her grand entrance takes all day,” Thad huffed.

“Sshhh…” I hissed as the glowing entity continued to light toward us.

“Oh, she can’t hear a thing,” Thad scoffed. “She’s deaf as a doornail. She does this on purpose. She waits upstairs till someone comes, just so she can walk down those damn stairs. When she first bought the place they weren’t long enough, so she had longer ones put in.” He pointed to the tiger painting and then back to Ma’am: “Do you get it yet?” 

I looked around confused.   

Esteban disappeared down one of the sets of stairs with our coats.

“My baby! Merry Christmas!” Ma’am called, now almost at the bottom of the stairs.

“Merry Christmas Ma’am! You look spectacular!” Thad yelled, walking over to her.

She took his hand just as her small foot alit on the terrazzo marble floor of the hall. “I’m so glad you’re here.” She hugged him tightly and he returned it, the ice in her glass tinkling. He was more than a foot taller than she was. From this distance she was clearly in her seventies, but a good seventy. Thad waved me over.

“Ma’am, this is my friend Michael Stiles,” he said loudly.   

“Who, please?” Ma’am said, craning her head toward me.    

“Michael Stiles!” Thad screamed. “My friend!”

Ma’am extended her hand. “My pleasure to meet you Michael Stiles, my friend.”

“It is completely my pleasure,” I said taking her hand and bowing instinctively, as if I was in the presence of royalty. “Merry Christmas. Thank you for having me. You have a lovely home,” I gushed. Ma’am had Thad’s pale blue eyes and heart shaped face.

“Of course, of course.” She smiled a row of blazingly white false teeth. She had the cadence and breathiness of Carroll Channing, but with a slight Texas oil accent. 

“Well, you look great,” Thad said.

“Thank you, honey.” Ma’am looked about and took a deep drink, “I am so glad you two are here.” She smiled at me and then turned to tousle Thad’s hair. “Isn’t he a handsome guy? My handsome guy.”

“Ma’am, stop,” Thad said, playfully batting her hand away.

“Was it a good drive? It’s excellent weather. It’s so warm for this time of year. I am so glad it hasn’t snowed yet.” She had not stopped smiling.

“Oh, it was good. I drove us up, so we got here lickety-split.”

“Oh, you young men and your cars!” Ma’am laughed a cherubic laugh and took another drink, which made me think about the heredity factor of alcoholicism. She held on to Thad for support, his arm around her back. She now appeared more stooped than she initially let on. He held her tightly, but not evidently, so she seemed to be standing on her own. 

“Thad has spoken of you often.” She continued, “It is so nice of you to let him share your house. It is wonderful to finally meet you. What do you do, Michael?” She asked, head tilted like a particularly charming puppet. 

“I’m a professor in the English Department at OU.”

“Isn’t that spectacular?” She gasped, “Is that how you met Thad, at the University? I know he took classes there once…”

 “No, no, but we did meet in Norman, many years ago. At a Halloween party…” I said with a smile until I saw Thad grimace at me and then I curtailed the story and looked away.    

 “Oh, I love Halloween!” Ma’am cooed, sounding a croaking semblance of Thad’s laugh. “I still dress up too, you know. I do.”

“Tell her what you came as this year,” Thad said.

“Oh, but Michael will think I’m an old kook.” She made a wide motion with her drink and it sloshed but did not spill. 

“Ma’am always dresses up to pass out candy to the neighborhood kids,” Thad added.   

“Oh, no…” she demurred.

“What did you come as?” I asked, entranced.

“A hobo!” Ma’am laughed uproariously. “I had a corncob pipe and a big floppy hat and I borrowed Esteban’s overalls and all, so I could be a hobo!”

I laughed along if for no other reason that Ma’am was utterly delightful.
Thad smiled, but I could still see tension in his eyes, which worried me.   

“Esteban took photos. The kids loved it,” Thad said, moving slowly to Ma’am’s other side. “Well, we’re looking forward to dinner.” 

 “It’s too bad your Mother and Father are out of town, but we will have a time of it, the three of us here at Christmas. We have so much food. I had Esteban pick it all up at the market and he’s getting it ready and later we can play games by the fire, if you want.”

“That sounds great!” Thad said.

“Yes, yes,” She said, “But I need to go check on Esteban, so Thad show Michael around and you two boys can go on into the Den and have a drink, and I’ll be there soon.” She smiled her brilliant winning smile and I just wanted to hug her she was so damn cute, like an internet kitten in a teacup. 

“Great. Will do,” Thad said turning to me.

“Toodleoo,” Ma’am said with a wave, teetering off, arms up to balance her as she walked down a set of stairs and disappeared into a far away room.  

A second passed before Thad turned on his heel and quietly said, “And that’s Ma’am.” He smiled a very real smile for the first time today.

“She’s fabulous!” I smiled back at him, thrilled that the tension between us was hopefully passing.  

18. The Right Girl

Ma’am’s den was past the formal living room at the end of an art lined hallway. It was a mammoth cave of a room. One wall of heavily curtained windows had a giant fireplace in the middle. A multitude of couches filled the room, all facing a 1980’s big screen projection TV. The only light came from a delicate fire in the fireplace, a small lamp on a side table and a giant artificial Christmas tree decorated with the old fashioned giant white lights that lit it so bright you could hardly look directly at it. The tree’s main decoration was silver tinsel that appeared to have just been thrown at the tree in clumps. An old teddy bear was wired to the top causing the branch to droop dramatically. 

“Isn’t she a hoot?” Thad asked, going over to open up a set of folding doors to reveal a pocket bar built into the wall.

“Yeah, yeah, she’s just great.” I said warming myself by the fire.

“Mr. Pibb okay?” He asked, rummaging around the liquor bottles. “It’s all she seems to have that’s non-alcoholic…”

“Sure, sure. This is great house. She seems to have some beautiful pieces. The totem pole in the entry hall is amazing. ” I said.

“Oh yeah. That was from Mr. Fritz, husband number two. He was from Alaska. Ma’am’s always been loaded. And she used to have the biggest parties here. My parents let me come once or twice when I was a kid, until they heard she gave me champagne, and then that was it.”

“It all sounds very Mame meets Great Gatsby meets the Department of Child Services.”

“Yeah,” he laughed, “I guess so.”

I walked over to him and beginning to finally feel at ease put my hand on his shoulder. “Thank you for inviting me. It means a lot to me.”

He shrugged my hand off and I blanched, but tried to hide it.

“Hey watch it with the touching while we’re here, okay?” He handed me a highball glass of pop and went to sit down, turning on the gargantuan TV. He flipped by It’s A Wonderful Life and Miracle on 34^th Street before he settling on an America’s Next Top Model marathon on Bravo. The remote was the size of a small laptop.

Trying not to look hurt, I sat on the couch opposite of him and occupied myself by picking lint balls off my sweater. He was still mad, still distant, and I just had to suck it up. At least we were here; at least he was letting me get to know some of his family. But I wish he wasn’t mad about last night. We sat in silence and watched Tyra Banks insult skinny girls.            

After what seemed like an hour, but was probably only fifteen minutes, Ma’am came teetering in to join us, her giant crystal cup again full of brown drink.  

“Now don’t you boys look comfy? This was always Mr. Jones’ favorite room.”

“Third and final husband,” Thad said to me out of the side of his mouth.

I rose to help her sit and said, “You have such a lovely home.”

“Why thank you.” She perched on a small velveteen couch embroidered with roses. “It has seen better days, but haven’t we all? I am so glad you both could come.  Thad, how have you been? You haven’t been calling as much as you used to.”

Thad frowned and muted Tyra, “I’ve been fine, just busy.”

“You’re not working are you?” She asked, as if it were a bad thing.

“Oh no,” he answered, as if that was a good thing.

“Wonderful to hear. But you’re keeping busy?” she took a long drink.

“Yeah, yeah. Just trying to keep up with everything, what with the holidays and all.” He said somewhat disinterested, still watching the muted TV. 

“Oh, that’s good. I love Christmas. See the teddy bear at the top of the tree? That was Thad’s. I bought it for him the day he was born. And when my old angel broke a few years ago I just decided Teddy should go up there, and he’s been our tree topper ever since.”

“I noticed that.” I said, moving to sit next to her. “It’s very nice, very sentimental.”

“Did you get to see your family this holiday Michael?”

“Yes, yes I did.” 

I told her about my family and my job and about my schooling and teaching at the University, and she just cooed and smiled along, stopping me with a touch on the arm whenever she had a question or a point she wanted to discuss.

“And what about you?” I asked. “Thad has told me you have had a very exciting life.”

“Oh, bless you!” She giggled. “I’m just a country girl gone good!”

Ma’am went on to tell me how much she enjoyed growing up in Oklahoma City in the 1930’s and 40’s, about her first husband, her daughter, Thad’s mom, and about her later two husbands, continuing to touch my hand every so often to make a point. Even though Thad wasn’t participating, I could tell he was listening because whenever it sounded like we might verge unto ‘personal’ territory, he would slide his eyes our direction tensely. The tapping of his fingers meant he wanted a cigarette but I assumed he did not bring them, as I knew he would never smoke in front of his family, as his mother would kill him.  

“Well, it has been my pleasure getting to know you Michael,” She said, rising slowly.

“And likewise,” I smiled, rising with her.

“I told Thad he could bring someone to dinner, and I thought he would bring a young lady, but I am so pleased to meet someone as charming as you. Thad, you haven’t said much. Have you met the right girl yet?”

As I turned to hide my bugged out eyes, Thad rotated away from us, I assuming also not to give himself away. “Nope. I’m still just waiting for the right girl to come along.”

“Oh, well. Give it some time.” Ma’am said walking over to tousle his hair. “Good things come to those who wait. I’m going to check on Esteban. Dinner should be ready soon.”

She exited the room with some difficulty, and I stayed motionless, freaked out.  As she disappeared from sight, I looked at Thad, my mouth open. He looked back at me and rolled his eyes histrionically.

I sat down right next to him on the big couch to whisper, “You’re kidding, right? She has no idea? We’re two forty year old men living together. What does she think?”

“I am not 40!”

“You're 39.”

“Whatever,” he said. "Let’s just leave it the way that it is. I’m fine with it.”

“What, that she thinks you’re straight, Mr. Butch man? You know Helen Keller could see it on you a mile away.”

“I know you are but what am I?” he mocked.  

“And you’re ‘just waiting for the right girl to come along’?” I snorted.  

“I guess,” he laughed, “more like waiting for the girl with the right dick to come along would be more exact.” He chortled a dirty little giggle. 

“Oh for God’s sake.” I looked away.

He unmuted the TV for us to hear Tyra continue to berate skinny girls.

19. Cling Peaches

The exaggerated dining room overlooked a haphazardly lit overgrown patio. The curtains were pulled wide to give an unfettered view of the tangled blackened gardens. A massive dark teak table dominated the room, which continued the entry hall’s bizarre jungle motif. The three non-windowed walls of the room were painted as a trumpe l'oeil of an African village, complete with semi-nude dancing natives. Huge potted palms grew up from the walls and hung over the table. The low hanging chandelier was of ivory tusks, intertwined to form a triangle with a crystal lamp hung at each apex.  

The place settings were exquisite, all antique Blue Willow, which Thad had mooned over.

“This is the real stuff, check the bottom…” he had whispered as we first sat down, motioning me to flip over my plate and look at the mark. I swear I saw him pocket a pair of miniature blue and white salt and pepper shakers, which I assume will next show up at one of our spring luncheons.   

Thad and I were sat across from each other on the long sides of the table, with Ma’am at the head, and Esteban, who joined us after he had brought out all of the food, at the far end. The Christmas meal itself was completely odd and wrong. Steaks were served, not turkey or ham, the side dishes had nothing to do with the holiday, and for some reason everyone had a small silver salt cellar of jellybeans in front of them.

“I am so glad everyone is here!” Ma’am called from her far end of the table. She had added a thick pair of glasses to her earlier ensemble, but still squinted. Her chunky cocktail glass had still so far not left her right hand.

“Do you have any horseradish?” Thad asked Esteban, mid-bite.   

“Si, Senor Thad,” Esteban said, rising from the table to disappear through a swinging door painted with a topless dancing woman, into what I assumed was the kitchen.

“This would be much better with horseradish,” Thad said as he heaped what appeared to be collard greens into his plate.

 “What, pardon?” Ma’am said from the far end of the table. From what I could see Ma’am plate appeared to hold cookies, powered donuts, and a corn dog.

“I just said,” Thad annunciated loudly, “That this steak would be better with horseradish.”

  “Oh, yes.” Ma’am said enthusiastically lifting her crystal glass in salute. “Michael do you have enough to eat? We have so much.”

 “Oh, yes,” I said. “Thank you.”

“Louder” Thad said under his breath as Ma’am peered about the room like Little Stevie Wonder.

“Yes!” I yelled. “It’s all so good. Thank you.”

“Oh, good. I like to see you young people eat up.” She waved her corn dog and a piece of batter flew off and landed somewhere on the carpet below.

Esteban reentered and handed Thad a small crystal dish of horseradish. He took his seat back at the end of the table and everyone commenced eating.

As for my plate for food, I had the choice of a huge charred steak, three bean salad, menudo, and tomato aspic, none of which appealed to me.

“Do you have your pantry filled yet, sweetie?” Ma’am said with a loud smack, finishing her cocktail. She was looking at Thad, who was not looking up. She tinked her glass with a fingernail and Esteban rose.

“She’s talking to you,” I hissed at Thad.

“What?” Thad said looking up with a mouthful of steak.

“Do you have your pantry filled for winter yet? In case we have another blizzard like we did last year and we lose power?”

“No, no, I don’t. Do you?” Thad said, looking back to his plate. He was still being oddly non-participatory like he had been all day. I couldn’t believe he was still so mad at me for last night that he couldn’t even maintain polite dinner conversation with his grandmother.     

Esteban walked over to Ma’am, took her glass, and then went to the big buffet along the wall behind me to fill it with a brown syrupy liquid from a crystal decanter. He returned to hand it to her, Ma’am not acknowledging him once during the entire silent process. She took a long drink. Esteban walked back to his seat at the end of the table and rejoined us.  

“Well, yes,” Ma’am said with concern. “I have canned goods and water and batteries and a radio run by a crank and clean linens and pillows just in case. And you should take it seriously. They published a list in the paper. I cut it out and taped to the ice box. I made Esteban go buy all of the items listed we didn’t have. Esteban did you find that old hand can opener?”

“Si.”

“Oh, good. We have lots of cans of peaches. You know how I like peaches. Cling peaches. When I was last at the doctor, the nice receptionist Betty, or Sally, no, Betty, gave me a Red Cross brochure about how to prepare for power outages.”

“It won’t be that bad, Ma’am. Don’t freak out.” Thad said.

 “I am not a freak out about this,” Ma’am countered sternly. “If the power goes out, we could be attacked.”

“Attacked by whom?” Thad laughed 

“The poor,” Ma’am said loudly.

I chortled much more loudly than I meant to, but as no one was paying attention to me it was fine.  

“If the power goes off,” She continued, “the poor could attack. They’ve done it before, in the 60’s. I saw a TV program on it.”

I looked around, trying to figure out if I was being punked or not. 

Thad coughed loudly and looked embarrassed. “Ma’am, surely not. Not in this neighborhood.” 

Ma’am nodded, “Oh, yes, in this neighborhood. The poor will go for the big houses first, and I don’t have much money, but they don’t know that, and they’ll take whatever they can. I’ve seen it on the TV. The Fox News lady said it. When the power goes out, they’ll riot, and they’ll come here and take everything and maybe even kill me.”

In a very quaint old lady way, I could tell Ma’am was quite serious.

Ma’am took another drink. “And that’s why you should have your pantry full of batteries and water and canned cling peaches. Esteban, did you find the hand can opener?”

“Si.”

Ma’am continued. “Good. But I’m afraid of the poor rioting the most. So I’ve had Esteban load my gun.”

“Oh for God’s sake no!” Thad gasped.

He looked at Esteban, who shrugged silently.

“Why did you load her gun?” Thad snapped at him.

Esteban shrugged again, “Ma’am told me too.”

Thad looked to his grandmother. “You do not need to keep a loaded gun in this house; you are too old for that. We’ve talked about that gun before.”

“But the poor,” Ma’am said, head tilted to the side like a sad little confused angel. 

“There’s not going to be any rioting if the power goes out.” Thad gasped, “It’s just news hype to sell batteries and bottled water and scare the old people, which it’s apparently done just fine.”

“They might riot.” Ma’am said, “And I plan to be prepared.”

I watched all of this unfold like an insane tennis match.

Thad whipped back to hiss at Esteban, “Unload that gun, got it?”

“Si,” Esteban said, his expression unchanged.

“I mean it, amigo.” Thad added with a point of his knife. 

“Si.” Esteban did not blink.

“What did you say to him?” Ma’am asked, leaning forward in her chair, the ice in her cocktail glass tinkling.

“Nothing,” Thad snapped and then sheepishly smiled at me, as I guess I had a look of complete and absolute horror on my face.

Everyone went back to eating.

The rest of the meal was about as colorful. 

20. Home Again, Home Again

            Dessert consisted of a delicious pineapple upside down cake, which Esteban had made. We then retired to the den to play Simon by the fire and snack on Cheez-Its in delicate Irish crystal bowls. Ma’am had continued her odd old lady rants, but we all just smiled along. Thad had continuing to be rather mum, which forced me to be more talkative, but I veered us away from all controversial topics. Thus a large portion of game time was spent with Ma’am and I having a long conversation about the pros and cons of raising orchids.

About the time that I noticed the drumming of Thad’s fingers had reached a percussive level, he began eyeing me nervously.

Taking his cue I yawned and said, “Gosh, all that great food has really made me tired.”

Thad rose instinctively, “Well, if you’re that tired, we should go.”

“So soon?” Ma’am looked up, terror in her eyes. “I still have your old Merlin we can play.”

“Oh, that’s sweet, but it’s getting late,” Thad said shuffling toward the door.

Esteban helped Ma’am up and then exited the room. 

“But we’ve had the best time,” I said.
"Oh, yes," she said quietly.  

We slowly walked with Ma’am back to the entry hall. 

“Are you sure you have to go?” Ma’am asked, her voice quivering. She looked at Thad like she might never see him again.

 “Yes, but it’s been wonderful.” Thad bent to kiss her on the forehead. “I’ll see you next Saturday for Christmas at Mom and Dad’s. And maybe we can have lunch again soon, just you and me.”

“Yes, and you can bring your friend, Michael, if you want.” She turned to me, “It was very nice meeting you.” Ma’am smiled a wide smile and I returned it.

“I would like that.” I said, extending my hand, “It was very nice meeting you. I had a lovely time. And have a Merry Christmas.” 

“Oh, pooh! Here…” Ma’am shuffled forward to grab me; it was like being hugged by a hundred doves. I hugged her back, careful not to break her.

Esteban walked in and handed us our coats and then exited without a goodbye.

“We’ll see you Ma’am.” Thad opened the big front door and the night air blew in. The outdoor spotlights shone like tremendous fireflies alighting on the evening yard.

We walked to the car as Ma’am stood in the door and waved.

As the car doors shut, Thad revved up the engine and barked, “I am dying for a cigarette. Let’s get the Hell outta here.”

As we drove off, the waving silhouette of Ma’am remained in the light of the doorway until we could no longer see the house.

  We were hardly out of sight of Ma’am’s before I could just take it any longer; I had to say something, to end this silence, to make up for last night.

“Look,” I began, “I know that you’re mad at me for last night still. I can just tell. I mean you hardly spoke in there. I know what I did was wrong, but I apologized, and I hope you will forgive me. I just wish when I had called last night you had answered your phone, then I wouldn’t have freaked out like that. But I did, and I am sorry. But you just have to remember we’ve had a lot of bad experiences in the past, with a lot of alcohol-infused lies and a lot of fights, and that didn’t end too far back, so I am still sensitive, and some times I just freak-out. You know that. But I am sorry, and I hope it didn’t ruin your evening tonight.”

          “What the hell are you talking about, Michael?”

          “About last night? About why you have been so cold to me today and tonight…”

          “Dude!” he laughed, “You got it so wrong!” He laughed again, slapping the steering wheel.

          “What?” I said defensively, “What do you mean?”

          “You just got it all wrong. You know it’s not always just about you, right?”

          “Yeah, and?”I snapped, not enjoying being laughed at.  

          “Okay, okay. Last night in front of Bettina I was kinda embarassed but then once I got home and thought about it, it was cute that you would stomp over and throw such a little priss fit over me. I mean it shows you really care about me. And Bettina was ugly just because she just jealous she didn’t have someone screaming and jumping around at her door over her. So, I mean, don’t do it again because it does make you look crazy, but we’re fine there.”

          “Oh,” I looked at him like I had never met him before. It was so bizarre that he was just as messed-up as I was. “So why were you a freak all day then?”

          Pulling us onto the interstate he shook his head, “Naw. It’s nothing…”

          “Thaddeus, please.”

          “This was just….” He started slowly, then began again. “This was just the first time I’ve ever introduced anyone to my family, you know. It just was a big deal. I was nervous, especially since Ma’am has gone kinda crazy lately and you never know what she’ll say. But it went great and now I just want to get home because I’m just dying for a cigarette.”

          Tears filled my eyes. I had it all wrong; it was all just the opposite. And I had almost ruined the entire day with my crazy fit last night. I was the first to meet his family, and I had spent all day and this evening torturing myself inside over nothing. And everything wasn’t just fine, but better than fine. Tears ran down my face.

          “Are you crying?” he asked sardonically.

          “Yes.”

          “Why?” he said, exasperated.

          “Because I love you, and I’m sorry I was such a monster last night and I am so happy that you wanted me to meet your family, and I am so happy that we are both crazy, but at least our crazy parts fit together.”

          “I love you too,” he laughed.  

          He took my hand and we held them clasped for most of the drive home, talking and laughing about our crazy evening with Ma’am.